A woman turned to the Reddit community for advice after finding herself torn over the guest list for her 30th birthday trip. She says she envisions the vacation being just for herself, her partner, her siblings, and her mom — but her mother keeps asking to bring her boyfriend, Paul, and his teenage children.
“It will be my first time out of the country and I want it to just be me, my partner, my siblings, and my mom because… well that’s who I want to come,” she writes.
To provide context, the woman shares a bit of family history. Her parents divorced when she was a teenager, and her mom has since been in a relationship with Paul, a widower. “My mom has taken the role as these kids’ mom in many ways,” she explains.
She notes that her mom frequently invites Paul’s children to family holidays, supports them financially, and treats them like her own. “It just makes everything awkward. It’s like she inserted this other family into our life,” the woman says.
Although she sympathizes with the kids, she worries about the pressure on her mother. “Paul once said she ‘saved them,’ and she told me she felt a lot of pressure from that,” she adds. Still, she acknowledges, “Ultimately, I am an adult and live alone, so she is free to do what she wants with her money and life.”
The tension arises when her mother asks if Paul and his children can join the birthday trip. “The kids are in their teens and it would be a graduation gift since they haven’t been on any trips, other than maybe once to the beach,” she explains.
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She points out that she and her siblings have been fortunate, having taken many trips as kids and later funding vacations on their own. But she emphasizes that this overseas trip is different. “This would be a huge trip and our first time out of the country. And it is for my birthday, so I feel I have a right to invite who I want.”
Her mother argues that the teenagers “would love it,” but the woman worries their presence would make her uncomfortable. “I am introverted and shy and just am not comfortable around them,” she confesses. “I told her I want it to be just us, and while she was understanding, I know she was disappointed.”
Despite her wishes, her mom continues to bring it up, framing it with what the woman describes as “the pity story about all of the things that have happened to them and how much they would love it.”
“I really wanted this trip to be me and close family, and I feel I have the right to invite who I want,” she writes. “But now I feel like an AH and selfish since these people have had a hard life and really would be thrilled at such a vacation because frankly — I plan awesome vacations.”
In an edit, the woman adds context, explaining that her mom’s reasoning is partly logistical. “My mom only has so much vacation time, so that is the reason for wanting to invite them and us all going together instead of them going on a separate trip,” she clarifies.
The financial side of things also complicates matters. “I guess it is important to note that my mom is in debt and would be paying for them, going further into debt,” she writes. “She has been giving them money she doesn’t have for a while, which bothers me, but IMO that is her choice.”
Her mom earns a good salary, but her financial struggles stem from “not so smart choices,” making the woman even more conflicted about footing the bill for Paul’s children to travel overseas.
With her milestone birthday approaching, she finds herself caught between wanting a special trip of her own and worrying about the difficulties faced by her mom’s “other family.”
