Employee Excludes Coworker from Office Secret Santa Over Unusual Gift Request

A Reddit user turned to the platform’s community for advice after a workplace Secret Santa sparked an unexpected debate about fairness and flexibility.

In the post, the user explained that they were in charge of their company’s annual, employee-run Secret Santa and ran into a tricky situation involving a coworker named Trey.

The organizer, who has hosted the exchange for several years, said the event is meant to be a fun way for coworkers to connect without management being involved. It’s become a tradition that many on staff look forward to each year.

This time, though, things got complicated when Trey — someone the poster said they “actually really get along with” — approached with an unusual request. Instead of following the standard rule that everyone both gives and receives a gift, Trey asked if he could buy a present for someone but not get one in return. The host told him that wasn’t how the game worked: if you join, you’re in for both sides of the exchange.

Trey pushed back, explaining that he didn’t want more “stuff” at home but still wanted to participate by giving a gift to a coworker. The organizer held firm, telling him, “You either play or you don’t. There’s no in-between.”

Another coworker overheard the conversation and suggested making an exception. If Trey wanted to give without receiving, they argued, it could still brighten someone’s day. But the host wasn’t convinced. They said the idea didn’t feel fair and added, “I’m not gonna put a random person’s name into the hat, and I’m not gonna start asking around ‘who wants to get a gift, but doesn’t want to buy one?’ ”

Feeling conflicted, the host turned to Reddit’s “Am I the A——” community to ask whether they were being too rigid. “I feel bad because I want Trey to be able to play and participate with us,” they wrote, “but I don’t like getting pushed into changing rules and making exceptions for people.”

The post quickly drew attention. Commenters could see both sides: some felt the organizer was right to protect the structure and fairness of the game, while others thought a bit of flexibility for one coworker wouldn’t hurt.

As the thread grew, the poster responded to several of the more popular suggestions. Some users insisted the host should have simply allowed Trey to give a gift without being part of the draw. The organizer disagreed, saying that breaking the give-and-receive balance would change the nature of the event. “Pretty much everyone wants to buy a gift for someone,” they wrote, adding that both giving and receiving are part of the fun.

Others assumed Trey might have been pressured into joining, but the host clarified that participation is always optional. “No one has to play,” they said. “Trey wants to participate — just without receiving a gift in return.”

One commenter suggested that the gift Trey would have received could be raffled off, but the host explained they were already overwhelmed. They admitted they’d been hesitant to run the exchange this year at all and had only agreed after coworkers pushed to keep the tradition alive. “I’m extremely busy at work right now and had so many issues last year with managers getting involved,” they wrote.

In the middle of the back-and-forth, a different proposal stood out: Trey could ask that a donation be made to a charity in his name instead of receiving a physical gift. That way, he’d still technically be “getting” something, and the structure of the exchange would stay intact.

The host loved that idea. “Thank you for this!” they replied. “I ended up giving him this as an option. Basically, I told him he could choose to find someone to put in his place or write down to donate to charity in his name.” According to the update, Trey liked the suggestion and even considered listing a coworker’s child as the recipient just for fun.

By the end of the thread, the situation seemed resolved. “I’m going to let him participate so long as he gets it figured out on his own,” the host concluded, relieved that they’d found a compromise that respected both the rules of the game and Trey’s preferences.