Man Says He’s ‘Happily’ Married but Can’t Stop Thinking About His First Wife: ‘This Person Lives Rent-Free in My Head’

A man who says he’s content in his life today — married, with children and even grandkids — admits he’s been unexpectedly stuck on thoughts of his first wife from decades ago.

He shared his situation in a letter to the “Asking Eric” advice column, published by Anchorage Daily News. In the letter, he explained that his first marriage was brief and happened when they were both very young. He wrote that he soon realized they didn’t really share much in common, and the relationship ended.

Not long after the divorce, his ex-wife came back hoping to reconcile. But the reunion was derailed when she told him she had been unfaithful with a married man. They tried again for a short time, but eventually separated for good.

Years later, the man has built a full life with his current wife and family. But recently, a casual question from an old friend — asking if he knew what became of his first wife — stirred memories he thought were long gone.

The comment sent him back into the past, bringing up a mix of warm and painful recollections. Although he emphasized that he loves his life and marriage now, he’s frustrated by how much space this old chapter is taking up in his mind. He asked the columnist how to stop thinking about her, saying she feels like someone living “rent-free” in his head.

In response, columnist R. Eric Thompson offered a different way to look at these recurring thoughts. When a memory keeps returning, he wrote, it may be because it’s carrying an unanswered question. Instead of fighting it, Thompson suggested “charging rent” by engaging with it directly.

That means asking yourself what this memory is doing here. What does it want you to notice? What might it be trying to teach you? Thompson said that, in the end, this isn’t really a debate with a former spouse — it’s a conversation with yourself.

He encouraged the man to explore what, if anything, still feels unfinished about that first marriage. And he noted that the answer might genuinely be “nothing.” But trying to shove the thought away only strengthens its grip.

Instead, Thompson recommended a mindful, accepting approach. Recognize that this relationship is part of your story. It helped shape the road that led to your present life. The past and present don’t have to compete; one can simply be a step that brought you here.

His final message was simple: memories travel with us, but they don’t get to run our lives. You can acknowledge them, appreciate their role, and still choose to let them go.