Man Learns He’s Not the Biological Dad of His Daughter with Ex. Now, He Calls Girlfriend ‘Heartless’ for Not Wanting to Raise Her

A woman is questioning her future with her boyfriend after discovering that the little girl he’s been raising is not biologically his — and realizing she doesn’t want to help raise his ex’s child.

In a post on the AITAH subreddit, the original poster (OP) explained that she’s been with her 33-year-old boyfriend for nearly three years. He has a 4-year-old daughter with his ex, whom OP refers to as “Ashley.”

“Ashley and I have never gotten along,” wrote OP, 30. “She was extremely abusive to my boyfriend in their past relationship. He has told me some stuff and his family have also told me things they’ve witnessed.”

According to OP, Ashley was verbally, physically and financially abusive. Her boyfriend is now in therapy and “has made great progress” since they started dating. Even so, OP says Ashley is “extremely manipulative” and has continued to take advantage of him throughout their relationship.

“Whenever I or his family have pointed it out, he just claims he’s being the bigger person for his child,” OP explained.

OP said she and her boyfriend dated for almost a year before she was introduced to his daughter and allowed to be part of the child’s life.

“[His daughter] adores me,” she wrote. Over time, though, OP says Ashley’s behavior toward her became so unpleasant that she set firm boundaries. “It’s gotten to the point where I no longer do pick ups or drop offs with her and I no longer babysit on her court-ordered days for her. Which isn’t very often as she takes her daughter only when it’s convenient for her and rarely overnight.”

Despite this, OP noted that her boyfriend understands and supports her feelings.

The situation took a dramatic turn when her boyfriend needed to complete a paternity test to enroll his daughter in a program. The results showed that he is not the girl’s biological father.

“I was shocked as they look so much alike; however, I understand genetics are a random lottery,” OP wrote. She gave him space to process the news and grieve, but eventually felt he needed to think about next steps.

“I eventually told him he will need to get legal counsel and inform the biological father if she knows who he is,” she continued.

Her boyfriend did not take that suggestion well. “He called me ‘heartless’ and said they might take her away,” OP recalled. She says she tried to clarify that she wasn’t trying to hurt him, but felt the reality of the situation couldn’t be ignored.

“I told him it’s not up to us and ultimately that decision is up to his ex and is something he should prepare for.”

About a week after that conversation, OP says she came to a difficult realization: she doesn’t want to be involved in raising Ashley’s child at all.

“My feelings of resentment stem from Ashley never having to deal with the consequences of her actions and my hatred for her mistreatment of my [boyfriend],” she wrote. “My [boyfriend] is an amazing father and his daughter is his world. He is the sweetest, most amazing man and I know he will still raise another man’s child for her, but it’s something I don’t want to watch up close.”

OP told her boyfriend about her decision and has since been staying with her sister.

“I just cannot get past the destruction and hurt that woman has caused,” she admitted. “I know it’s not fair to my [boyfriend] or his daughter, but I just know what I can and can’t handle. This was not an easy decision but I feel it’s necessary for my mental health.”

Commenters on Reddit shared their thoughts on the dilemma. Many sympathized with OP’s boyfriend and emphasized that his commitment is to the child, not to his ex.

“He’s not doing it ‘for Ashley,’ he’s doing it for the child he loves,” one commenter wrote. They went on to explain that their own brother had faced a similar situation.

“He had three kids and everyone believes the middle child isn’t his. He’s refused to do DNA testing because ‘he’s my son no matter what’ and he didn’t want to lose him in the divorce,” the commenter shared.

They concluded by telling OP that, if she stays, she needs to understand where her boyfriend is coming from: “You need to understand that he’s doing this for the child and for himself, not for his ex.”