A man is questioning what it really means to be “ready” for kids — and whether not feeling a huge rush of baby fever says anything about the kind of parent he’d be.
The original poster (OP), 34, shared on Reddit that he and his 30-year-old wife have recently begun seriously discussing starting a family. He explained that while they both like the idea of having children, he isn’t “desperate to have a kid.”
OP added that he doesn’t see himself as someone who was “put on Earth” to be a dad. Instead, he thinks being a father would be “awesome,” and that, for him, the pros generally outweigh the cons — but he’s very aware that the cons would be major, life-altering changes.
That’s what led him to his central question: does not having an overwhelming urge to be a parent mean he isn’t ready yet? And do you need that intense desire in order to be a good mom or dad, or is feeling more neutral about the idea still okay?
In the comments, many people reassured him that you absolutely don’t have to feel desperate for kids to be a loving, committed parent.
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“I have several kids. I wanted them and am happy to have them. I love them dearly,” one person wrote. “I’ve never experienced a desperate need to have them.”
They compared it to marriage: “Same deal with getting married. Love my husband, happy to be married. Could have gone our whole lives happily trucking along without the license,” they said, adding that they don’t put much faith in the “over the top emotional stuff” they see on social media, likening it to a Hallmark movie romance.
Another commenter suggested that OP’s mindset might actually be a strength.
“I actually think this makes us a better parent. I say ‘us’ because I was in the same boat,” they wrote. “I feel like I am a good mom and my kids like me, they’re functional and contribute to the world around me.”
They explained that approaching parenthood without making it your entire identity can be healthy: “Two things happen with this mindset: 1 — Your whole identity doesn’t become being a parent so therefore 2 — You objectively see your kid as their own human, not a reflection of your personhood so you can better meet them where they are at.”
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A third commenter agreed that intense longing isn’t required — but realism about the work involved is.
“You do not have to be desperate to have a kid to be a good parent or enjoy parenting,” they wrote. “You DO have to be comfortable with hard work toward something you enjoy/want to achieve/etc. I’m not saying you have to prefer ditch digging to lounging on the beach, but you have to be okay with, say, undergoing exhausting labor for a day in order to set up a theater for a show you want to do, or something along those lines.”
They emphasized that raising kids isn’t all grind and no joy: “Parenting is not 100% hard work! Especially as kids get older. There are a lot of fun things about it. But work is involved, and often trying to minimize it in the short run causes more difficulty in the long run,” they added.
