Eldest Child Is Fed Up with Parents’ ‘Extreme Double Standards’ After Parents Refuse to Loan Thousands of Dollars

A woman turned to Reddit for advice after years of feeling sidelined in favor of her younger sister, and is now thinking about going low contact with her family.

“So I’m the eldest child and like many eldest siblings have endured extreme double standards my whole life,” she wrote, explaining that her younger sister has received what she described as “constant excessive financial support.” According to her, her parents defend the help by saying, “She [doesn’t] have a job and we need to give her [money] to springboard her career.”

The woman said that support adds up to “hundreds of thousands of [dollars] spent on a hobby that she wants to make into a career with no success so far,” noting that nearly a decade of trying — including a move overseas — has produced no real progress. By contrast, she said her own life has been built on self-reliance and pressure to achieve without any real safety net.

“I have been financially independent my entire adult life,” she wrote, sharing that she secured a scholarship for her undergraduate degree, started working straight out of school and later funded her own postgraduate studies while working full time. Her strong grades eventually earned her a substantial PhD scholarship, though it meant accepting a significant pay cut.

Despite her academic and professional success, she said she is still under financial strain due to a mortgage and recent car trouble. When she asked her parents for a small loan to help replace her vehicle, she said they turned her down, telling her that she “should have the income to cover it,” even though she has worked consistently while her sister has only worked “maybe 2 years cumulatively.”

She contrasted that response with the support her sibling has received, noting that her sister’s education was fully funded by their parents, while she covered her own costs. “I never asked for them to pay for my postgrad,” she wrote. “It’s not even about the money, it’s the principle that’s upsetting me.”

The amount she requested was only “a couple grand,” but she said even seeking a bank loan felt complicated because her father is “very controlling and gets very angry when I make pretty much any decision autonomously.” When she finally expressed how hurt she felt, she said her family reacted by calling her “a brat” and accusing her of being ungrateful.

“I don’t understand why they don’t recognise how big this disparity is and how deeply painful it is for me,” she wrote, saying she feels both unseen and punished for doing well. “I have worked 80 hour weeks my entire life,” she added.

Ultimately, she said the situation has taken a serious emotional toll, even though the conflict might look like it’s just about money. “I just want freedom and peace at this point,” she wrote, adding that she doesn’t think she can “forgive and forget the hurt this has caused me,” and is now seriously considering distancing herself from her family.

Commenters encouraged her to protect her well-being. “Resolve for yourself that you’re going to return the same energy to your parents that [they’ve] given to you,” one person wrote. “If/when they need help in the future, they should get it from the child who has received the most support from them.”

“Get a bank loan and cut the dead weight loose,” another advised.