Guest Irritated After Finding Out Friends’ Big ‘Splashy’ Wedding with Expensive Gift Registry Wasn’t a Legal Ceremony

A recent wedding guest says they were stunned to discover that what they thought was a friend’s marriage ceremony wasn’t legally binding at all.

In a letter to Slate’s Pay Dirt advice column, the writer explained that two close friends “got married in the summer — or so I thought.” The event looked and felt like a typical wedding, complete with a ceremony and reception. Only in hindsight did they realize the couple had used nontraditional wording and never referred to each other as “husband” or “wife.”

The guest later learned that the pair are not legally married and don’t intend to be. Instead, the couple described the event as a celebration of their love and commitment, without involving the legal system.

“Rationally, I know it makes no difference to my life whether they are legally married or not, but I still feel sort of duped,” the letter writer admitted. They added that it felt “weird and tacky” to host a full wedding and ask for expensive registry gifts “just to celebrate being in a relationship” — even while acknowledging that’s essentially what most weddings already are.

In her response, Pay Dirt columnist Ilyce Glink told the guest they were “not wrong to feel irritated,” but suggested their frustration might be misdirected. The real problem, she argued, wasn’t the lack of legal paperwork — it was the lack of transparency.

Glink noted that if the couple had said upfront, “We’re having a commitment ceremony to celebrate our partnership, and we’d love for you to join us,” guests could have chosen whether to attend and give gifts with full understanding of what the event was. Instead, she wrote, the couple “let everyone assume it was a legal marriage, which feels deceptive.”

At the same time, Glink urged the guest to think about “what’s the actual difference” between a legally married couple and long-term partners who are fully committed. From a guest’s perspective, she said, nothing really changes: they showed up, celebrated the relationship and gave a present — which is the basic social expectation around such events.

Glink added that if the couple were to separate in six months, it wouldn’t be much different emotionally from a couple who divorces within a year of a legal wedding. If the relationship is genuine and involves shared finances, a home and long-term planning, she suggested, the legal documents are largely a matter of bureaucracy.

Ultimately, Glink acknowledged that the guest is “allowed to feel weird about it.” But, she concluded, in practical terms they gave a gift to honor a relationship — and that relationship still exists. Her advice: accept the discomfort, and then let it go.