Husband Tells Wife Getting Pregnant Is ‘Not a Race’ and He’s ‘Drained’ from Trying to Conceive. Now, Wife Says He’s Lacking Effort

A man is questioning whether he was wrong for telling his wife that getting pregnant shouldn’t feel like a “race.”

In a post shared on the AITAH subreddit, the 26-year-old husband explained that he and his wife, also 26, have been married for two years and are trying to conceive. A few months earlier, his wife suffered a miscarriage at around four weeks, which he described as “extremely devastating for both of us.”

“Since then, she hasn’t been the same anymore. I genuinely understand the pain and how much this meant to her,” he wrote. “But after that miscarriage, she constantly blames me for not giving my best when she is ovulating.”

The husband explained that he works 55 to 60 hours per week, often leaving him “physically and mentally drained.” Despite this, he said his wife frequently compares their situation to friends or people online who have gotten pregnant faster.

“She tells me other husbands put in a lot more effort, and that I only care about work,” he shared. “There were moments where she said she wants to end herself because she feels she is doing this all alone, and I don’t care. When she says things like that, I really don’t know how to respond. It hurts me too, and honestly the situation makes me feel extremely drained as well.”

He added that he’s made several changes to improve their chances of conceiving, including quitting smoking and maintaining a regular gym routine despite his demanding schedule. After fertility checks, doctors found nothing medically wrong with either of them.

“Recently, out of frustration, I told her that trying every day won’t guarantee pregnancy [and] that this isn’t a race, and we shouldn’t force it like a performance test,” he said. “Now, she thinks I’m insensitive, uncaring, and just not putting in any effort.”

“I don’t want to be the ass—- here. I just want her to understand that we are both trying, and this process takes time,” he continued, asking Reddit users, “Is there any way I can convince her that this is not something we have to stress and compare with others, and that we can always try again?”

In the comments, Redditors offered support and advice, assuring him he wasn’t wrong for expressing how he felt. Many suggested that the couple seek therapy together.

“You two probably need to visit a therapist because handling the mental weight of the pregnancy and miscarriage isn’t something you two can do alone,” one commenter wrote. “The fact she’s making these claims about hurting herself is a clear sign of that and that she’s not in the right frame of mind for a baby. Her getting pregnant while she’s like this will only make things worse, not better.”

Another agreed, recommending that they pause their efforts to conceive until his wife’s emotional well-being improves.

“I think you and your wife should both put a BIG pause on still trying to get pregnant when your wife’s mental health is in the toilet,” they advised. “And like everyone has pointed out, sex every day is counterproductive. But definitely get your wife help first — she’s in no state to be pregnant right now.”