Erik Menendez was denied parole by a panel of California commissioners on Thursday.
During the hearing, he offered his most detailed account in years of his upbringing and the choices he made—both at the time of his parents’ killings and throughout his decades in prison.
Erik and his brother Lyle were sentenced to life in prison in 1996 for fatally shooting Jose and Kitty Menendez in their Beverly Hills mansion in 1989.
The state corrections department designated a single reporter to watch the videoconference and share updates with the rest of the press.
Here’s a look at Erik’s remarks:
“I was not raised with a moral foundation,” he said.
“I was raised to lie, to cheat, to steal—in the sense, an abstract way. When I was playing tennis, my father would make sure that I cheated at certain times if he told me to. The idea of right and wrong, of a moral boundary I should not cross, was not instilled in me as a teenager.”
Menendez has long claimed he was sexually abused by his father. He told the commissioners, “I fantasized about my father not being alive.”
Prosecutors asked why he chose to kill his father rather than leave the family home, as he was already 18. Menendez responded, “In my mind, leaving meant death. There was no consideration. I was totally convinced there was no place I could go.”
He also spoke about living in constant fear of his father: “It’s difficult to convey how terrifying my father was.”
The commissioners questioned why he also killed his mother if his father was the abuser. Menendez explained that he saw no distinction between his parents after discovering that his mother knew about the abuse. “It was the most devastating moment in my entire life. It changed everything for me. I had been protecting her by not telling her.”
Reflecting on the act, he said of shooting his mother, “I wish to God I did not do that.”
The panel also addressed several rule violations Menendez committed while in prison, including drinking alcohol, affiliating with a gang, and having a cellphone.
Regarding the cellphone, he said, “What I got in terms of the phone and my connection with the outside world was far greater than the consequences of me getting caught with the phone.”
On his past substance abuse, Menendez explained, “If I could numb my sadness with alcohol, I was going to do it … I would have taken other drugs to numb that pain … I was looking to ease that sadness within me.”
Menendez said he decided to become sober in 2013 and found faith. “From 2013 on I was living for a different purpose. My purpose in life was to be a good person … I asked myself, ‘Who do I want to be when I die?’ I believe I’m going to face a different parole board when I die.”
