A father is seeking outside opinions after declining his ex-wife’s request to add her current husband’s birthday to their custody swap schedule — the man she married after having an affair during their marriage.
In his Reddit post, the 27-year-old said he shares two children under 4 with his 26-year-old ex-wife. He explained that their current custody plan treats certain dates as automatic swap days. If he has the kids on his ex’s birthday, she gets them; if she has them on his birthday, he gets them. The same applies to Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and major family events such as weddings and funerals.
Outside of those occasions, they typically alternate custody in weeklong blocks, each parent having the children for seven days at a time.
He added that any additional swap days are optional and, by design, won’t be added to a court order. That flexibility is meant to cover future situations like additional children, stepparents’ extended-family events, and similar occasions without turning them into formal requirements.
The problem, he said, is that his ex-wife now wants her husband’s birthday added to the official swap list so the children can be with them to celebrate.
According to the father, she argued that her husband “will be their second dad,” and that it would be “petty” to refuse, since the children are young enough that they “won’t remember a time without him.” The father said he rejected the request and told her his decision was final.
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He also described a tense exchange with the stepfather, who accused him of being a “s—– dad” for denying the children time on his birthday. The father replied that, if anything, it reflected more on the stepfather’s role in the breakup of the marriage.
Even after the initial disagreement, the ex-wife “formally wrote out the request” again, which the father said he denied once more.
He wrote that his attorney told him he’d be fine, but his ex-wife’s lawyer warned they could pursue a parental alienation claim if he didn’t reconsider. In response, his attorney allegedly pointed to evidence that the couple had previously tried to pressure him to step away from parenting so the stepfather could adopt the children. After that, he said, the issue went quiet — until his ex raised it again during an exchange and insulted him for refusing.
Unsure if he was being unreasonable, the father turned to Reddit. He said most commenters supported his stance, arguing that a stepparent’s birthday doesn’t belong on the same list as parents’ birthdays and major family milestones.
Some users did voice concern that ongoing hostility between the adults could affect the kids long-term. The father responded that he’s in therapy to better manage his emotions and prepare for the possibility that his children may grow close to their stepfather.
In a comment, he wrote that he’s working on how to respond calmly if his children say they like him or even express love for him — and on how to ask neutral questions without steering the conversation in a negative direction.
He said his goal is to keep putting his kids first, even if doing so is emotionally difficult.
