Man Suggests Wife Get a Job to Help Pay for His Mom’s Care. She Says He’s Putting Their Family Second

A man recently took to Reddit seeking advice after a tense disagreement with his wife over family obligations and financial priorities.

He explains that his brother has been the primary caregiver for their mother since their father passed away and that he now wants to help his brother pursue his own dreams.

“So my brother became our mother’s primary caregiver after our dad passed,” he writes. “He has given six years of his life caring for our mom.” He admits that at the time of their father’s death, he and his wife were overwhelmed with their second child, leaving him unable to contribute as much as he wanted.

The man says he tried to support when possible, but his efforts never matched the sacrifices his brother made. “Now that our kids are in school, I want to pay for additional support so my brother [can] go back to school,” he shares. His brother had been close to finishing his degree but dropped out to stay home and care for their mother.

Their bond is close, and a recent conversation about the future highlighted his brother’s continuing ambitions. “We were playing WoW, and I asked him what his plans for the future are,” he explains. His brother’s answer made it clear that education was still a priority, but caregiving responsibilities were holding him back.

This isn’t just about school—it’s about giving his brother a chance at a future after years of selfless work. “He was nearly done but dropped out to take care of our mom,” he writes. “He refuses to place her in a nursing home until it is deemed medically necessary by her doctors.”

When he brought up the idea to his wife, however, things became complicated. “I mentioned this to my wife, and while she is sympathetic, she feels our focus needs to be on our family [first] and foremost,” he admits. The discussion led to a small argument, as he feels she doesn’t fully grasp the depth of his brother’s sacrifice.

“My wife is accusing me of putting her and the kids second,” he reveals. “It is insulting that I ask her to work so I can provide [less] for our family.” For him, the issue isn’t about neglecting his own family, but about finding a way to support his brother, who has shouldered an enormous responsibility.

His wife believes their children and household should remain the top priority, especially given past financial struggles. The man, however, sees things differently. “My brother is my family also,” he writes. “I cannot move our mother in with us since all her services are tied to the state she lives in, and my wife refuses to share a home with someone that has dementia.”

This puts him in a difficult position between loyalty to his brother and responsibilities to his marriage. He acknowledges he cannot cover the cost of additional care without his wife returning to work. “Yes, our mother has some services, but they are far from enough, and with projected cuts in the future, those services are likely to be reduced,” he explains.

He emphasizes that his brother has never directly asked for help. “I know my brother has not directly asked for help because he knows how my wife is and does acknowledge this was his choice and he has to live with the consequences,” he writes. Still, even if his brother doesn’t ask, the man feels a responsibility to provide him with more options.

On Reddit, commenters offered various perspectives on the situation. One person broke down the financial aspect: “You need extra money for your brother, you want your wife to get a job, your wife is effectively working to finance your brother’s needs.” While not wrong for his wife to work again, the commenter noted it’s understandable she might feel hesitant.

Another commenter offered a gentler view: “But OP, I get you are trying to do something for your brother, but that is not your wife’s burden to bear.” They acknowledged that his intentions are rooted in love, but the impact on his immediate family remains significant.

For the man, the conflict is unresolved. He wants to ensure that when the time comes that his mother can no longer be cared for at home, his brother will have security. At the same time, his wife wants to protect their household from financial strain.

In the end, he turned to strangers online for clarity. “So am I the a—— here?” he asks. “I want my brother to have something when the time does come for our mom to be placed or [she] passes away.”

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