Single Dad Says When He Looks at His Daughter, He Sees the ‘Old Me.’ Now He’s Terrified for Her Future

A single father turned to an online parenting community for support as he watches his 11-year-old daughter change in ways that worry him.

In his post, he described his daughter as the “light of my life,” but said that recently “something has felt off with her.” He shared that she has begun acting out more often, her grades have slipped and she has started ignoring her chores.

“I’ve tried taking away her TV, phone, laptop/tablet, and she’d literally start slamming doors and throwing things,” he wrote. “The homework thing has been a huge concern. She knows of my past and isn’t afraid to throw it into my face.”

He went on to explain that his own teenage years were difficult.

“I barely finished school. I was always been [sic] a delinquent, even did some jail time before she was born. I’ve never amounted to anything,” he admitted. “I know this path she’s going down isn’t going to be pretty if she doesn’t straighten up now, because let’s face it when I look at her I see the old me.”

The dad also said he’s afraid of the idea of sending his daughter back to live with her mother, even though he believes her mom is better at setting limits.

“Her mother knows how to discipline her, I don’t. I’ve always been the fun parent I’ve always just saw her as a little buddy and up until now I never saw anything wrong with that,” he wrote, ending his post by saying, “I don’t know why I’m posting this, I just thought maybe someone can relate and give me some advice.”

Many commenters reassured him that what he’s seeing is common for a child on the edge of adolescence. One respondent first tried to build him up before offering more practical advice.

“Why do you say you haven’t amounted to anything? Do you have a job and provide support for her? If so then you have amounted to something,” they wrote. “I would recommend sticking with the discipline that you are doing with her as she is going through a transition right now.”

They cautioned him not to back down too easily.

“If you make concessions, then she will learn that she can manipulate you,” the commenter continued. “As far as the thing with her schoolwork you should explain that she is right and that you didn’t work hard enough when you were younger, but also explain how your life has been more difficult because of that.”

Another user emphasized that the girl’s behavior may be tied to the intense changes of early puberty and reassured the dad that he’s not failing her.

“She’s a tween. Her hormones are beginning to go crazy. You’re not a bad dad,” they wrote, before sharing a few strategies that had helped in their own family. “First, get rid of her phone. There is endless data on this one, not just personal experience. Kids, especially girls, with phones experience a far far far higher rate of anxiety, depression and suicide. Make sure you tell her she did nothing wrong. Tell her you made a parenting mistake. (Get a landline so you guys can stay in touch and she’s can call her friends).”

They also recommended helping the girl build a fuller life offline.

“Next, add a lot of outdoor time. Go camping, biking, hiking, skiing… etc. whatever outdoor things she is into,” they suggested. “Finally, make sure she has a community, preferable multiple communities. She should have her school friends, soccer friends (it’s whatever extra curricular she does) and her family friends (friends of the family, cousins etc). It’s good to have multiple groups in case things don’t go well in one group.”

In closing, the commenter urged the father to stay close and affectionate, even when things feel rocky.

“Finally. Give her a big hug man. This is a tough age,” they wrote. “Most kids are good kids, they’re just adjusting to their new growing bodies.”