Stepmom Feels Excluded and ‘Hurt’ After Teen Turns to Late Mom’s Family for Major ‘Milestones’ Instead of Her

An 18-year-old turned to Reddit for advice after a difficult conversation with her father about her relationship with her stepmother.

In her post, she explained that her mother passed away when she was 7, leaving her and her brother to grow up without her.

Her father met her stepmom when she was 9, and the two married the following year. “My dad and stepmom explained it to us that she was going to be another maternal figure in our lives, she’d be there for us for stuff we needed from a mom and to please feel like we could go to her with anything,” she wrote.

But despite that, she never felt comfortable turning to her stepmother. Instead, she leaned on her maternal grandmother and her mother’s twin sister, who both lived nearby and had already been key figures in her life.

“It felt like I was connecting with her still, and with my aunt it was like looking at my mom,” she said, adding that before her mother died, she told her to trust her grandmother and aunt if she ever needed guidance.

Her stepmother’s feelings were hurt when she wasn’t included in moments like starting her period or asking questions about her body. Still, the teen said it felt more natural to go to her mom’s family.

She also noticed her brother wasn’t held to the same expectations. “My dad and stepmom never held the same expectations for my brother to turn to our stepmom,” she explained. “I was told that he was a boy so it was different but a girl needed a womanly presence for some things.”

When her stepmom was pregnant with her half-brother, she hoped the teen would want to be involved. But the poster admitted she struggled. “I wasn’t interested at all in that stuff and I had a hard time during her pregnancy with the fact dad was having a kid with someone other than mom,” she recalled.

Although she didn’t resent them, the emotions were tough. “It was just hard, and sad, and I cried in private over it for a while,” she said.

That distance continued. For example, when it came time for prom dress shopping, she invited her aunt instead of her stepmom. “My stepmom was so disappointed she didn’t get to go instead,” she wrote. She also said she turned to her grandma or aunt for other topics, including “boy stuff and… birth control.”

After graduating high school, she spent time living with her aunt and grandparents. Recently, her father invited her to lunch and raised the issue again. “He told me it won’t be long before I move for college… He told me I could have all three and it would mean a lot to my stepmom if I could let her in more,” she said.

Her father emphasized that her stepmom does love her and her brother, but admitted she feels like a failure because of the lack of closeness. “He brought up how one day if I get married and go dress shopping she’d be even more uncomfortable with my grandma and aunt there if she never gets to do that stuff with me,” the teen recalled.

The conversation made her realize how much her stepmom values their relationship while also struggling with it. “The bond between us makes her both happy and sad because she feels like we can never have that or something close,” she wrote.

When asked directly if that was true, she answered honestly. “I told him it was from my end. That we get along fine now and I couldn’t see myself ever wanting more from the relationship,” she admitted.

Her father said he understood but was still “disappointed.” He urged her to think about it, saying that leaving her stepmom out of those experiences was really hurting her feelings.

Afterward, the teen wondered if her father might be disappointed in her too. “I went back to what he said because I wonder if he might be disappointed in me for not going to her and not seeing a chance for us to develop a closer more maternal bond,” she wrote.

In the comments, one person asked if her stepmom just wanted to be included or if she also didn’t want her mom’s family involved.

“If I understand what you said correctly, she wants to do these things with you but wants you to exclude your mother’s mother and sister because they make her uncomfortable? If that is accurate, it’s unacceptable,” the commenter wrote.

The teen clarified that her stepmom never asked her to exclude them. “But she avoids being around them because the few times she was she got very upset seeing me be so much closer and have that bond she wants with my aunt and grandma,” she explained.

Now, as she prepares to leave for college, she’s left trying to balance her loyalty to her late mother with her stepmother’s feelings.