A 29-year-old woman is questioning whether she made the right call after choosing to skip a friend’s birthday lunch in favor of attending another friend’s last-minute wedding.
She shared her dilemma on Reddit’s “Am I the A——?” forum, explaining that her friend “Sarah” had invited her to an annual birthday lunch at the end of September. The event would take place about a five-hour drive from where she lives.
Shortly after, the woman — referred to as the original poster (OP) — received an unexpected invitation from another mutual friend, “Katie,” for a “very last-minute” wedding set to happen in the same city as Sarah’s birthday lunch, but just one week later.
Katie, who has been engaged for roughly three years, told guests she understood if they couldn’t make it on such short notice. Despite this, the OP RSVP’d “yes” to the wedding — and now feels caught between the two commitments.
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“Whether I drive five hours or take multiple trains ($200), it’s a long and expensive trip. Doing it once for Sarah’s birthday was fine, but doing it again the next weekend for Katie’s wedding is overwhelming,” she wrote. “I’m also dealing with unexpected financial strain and bracing for loan repayment for my master’s this fall.”
Due to these concerns, the OP decided to bow out of Sarah’s birthday lunch, offering instead to celebrate with her another time.
“I’m just being realistic. Two back-to-back weekends is a lot for someone coming from so far out of town,” she said.
Sarah, however, did not take the cancellation well and expressed her hope that all of their friends would attend both events. The OP admitted she’s worried that Sarah — who has a history of distancing herself from friends who cancel plans — might now see her as unreliable.
“To me, a wedding (even a small one) carries more social weight than a recurring birthday lunch […], but I also get that Sarah made her plans first and that canceling after committing can sting,” she wrote.
Many Reddit users sided with Sarah, saying the OP was wrong to cancel after committing.
“Sorry, but YTA [you’re the a——] on this one,” one person commented. “You honor the commitments you make. It isn’t Sarah’s fault that Katie didn’t plan better for her wedding date.”
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Another agreed: “You had already committed to Sarah. It doesn’t matter that her birthday happens every year […], you committed to go. Beyond that, it’s super tacky to tell someone you will no longer attend their birthday because a new event is the next weekend.”
A third person added, “Ditching Sarah’s long-planned event for Katie’s (who even said she understands if people can’t make it) last-minute event signals to Sarah that you don’t value her friendship the same. You RSVP’d yes [and] that’s a commitment. Sarah has every right to feel hurt.”
Some, however, saw the situation differently. One commenter suggested the tension might be more about Sarah and Katie’s dynamic than the OP’s choice.
“NTA [not the a——],” they wrote. “You all are in the same longtime friend group. Katie is finally getting married. But Sarah didn’t respond with a ‘no problem, let’s support Katie,’ and Katie planned her wedding too close to Sarah’s birthday. To an outsider, it seems like these two aren’t very considerate of each other.”
They added, “It sounds like you’ve faithfully attended Sarah’s birthday celebrations in the past and want to make this one exception for a bigger life event. Your offer to meet up with Sarah after the wedding is a fair compromise.”
