According to one relationship expert, being in a non-monogamous arrangement doesn’t automatically make all extramarital activity acceptable.
TikToker Danielle — who keeps her last name private in her “Openly Committed” relationship coaching work — shared her thoughts on social media Tuesday, Aug. 19, about whether cheating can happen in a “consensual, non-monogamous relationship.”
She started by highlighting how definitions of cheating in monogamous relationships can vary from couple to couple. Some may consider “texting or talking to an ex” a violation, while others might define infidelity as “an emotional or physical relationship with another person.”
In open relationships like hers, Danielle said the “rules and agreements” are often more complex. She explained that she and her husband have adjusted their terms multiple times during their 15-year marriage.
“Our rules have evolved and changed over that time,” Danielle said. “We’ve had to iterate, especially as we became parents, changed jobs, moved countries, and navigated partners with slightly different agreements that we needed to accommodate.”
She also made a distinction between an “unforgivable” breach and one that doesn’t necessarily end a relationship. An unforgivable violation might involve an agreement that’s unrealistic to maintain — for example, allowing physical intimacy but prohibiting emotional connections. Danielle noted that newly open couples often set rules like this, though they may not be sustainable.
“I don’t think we can control who we fall in love with. Often, physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy, so that’s an example of an agreement that might work in the short term but not the long term,” she told her 221,300 followers.
When it comes to addressing a fixable instance of “cheating,” Danielle recommended that couples “come together and talk about what went wrong.”
She added, “How do we avoid that in the future? What do we want to do differently? Our rules have to change.”
