Woman Worries the ‘Lovely and Kind’ Man She’s Been Dating Isn’t Ambitious Enough: ‘I Feel Terrible’

A woman is asking for advice online after realizing that she and the man she’s been dating for over a year may not share the same lifestyle goals.

An anonymous mother in her late 30s posted on the community forum Mumsnet about her concerns. She described her partner as “really lovely and kind,” but admitted they have big differences in how they handle money and their ambitions for the future.

The woman explained that she owns her home, makes “good money,” and runs her own business. She’s been independent since she was young. Her partner, however, recently finished college, rents a place with a friend, and has been working just two days a week at a local shop.

She said she began to notice the differences when they went shopping together and while planning a vacation.

“I’ve been asking about work opportunities and what the plan is now that the degree is finished, as I can personally see lots of ways to start working toward their dream job,” she wrote. “But I don’t see as much action as I’d probably take. Which is fine as we’re different.”

She added that there didn’t seem to be any plans for her partner to buy a house. “It seems the intention is to continue renting with a friend as it’s cheaper, which I understand,” she explained. “But it’s on my mind a little bit. I’m conscious of the difference.”

The woman admitted she worries she might be “too harsh” but feels her partner doesn’t focus much on the future. She suggested it could be a confidence issue, since when they talk about long-term goals, his answers are often vague or sound far off.

She also noted that she often ends up paying more for the things she wants to do or places she wants to go. “It isn’t that I’m being pressured to,” she explained. But she recalled feeling bad when they were shopping together and he decided not to buy anything because he wanted to save money for food later. “It felt a bit like we were teenagers,” she said.

Commenters on the forum had mixed reactions. One said that some people find too much emphasis on ambition unattractive, while another warned that differences in “attitude” and “ambition” could be hard to overcome.

One user shared an example of a friend, a chartered accountant, who married a man with a part-time job at Tesco. “They were eventually miserable, she holidayed with her friends while he stayed at home. Eventually they divorced. She remarried someone with the same outlook and thrived. He moved back in with his parents and still happily works in Tesco,” the commenter wrote.

Another user felt the situation might not be a big issue until the couple reached their 40s. “I don’t think uneven pay is a problem when you’re in a long-term relationship, as I see all money as joint money,” they wrote. “But the lack of drive to improve his personal circumstances would be off-putting. You could be setting yourself up for a lot of resentment later on.”