Make a major life change
It’s one thing if your partner comments on your haircut or wishes you’d spend less money on hobbies, but it’s a serious warning if they want you to change big parts of yourself—like your career, religion, studies, or other core parts of your personality, says family and relationship psychotherapist Fran Walfish, PsyD.
“Being in a successful relationship means not trying to control your partner,” she explains. A good partner supports your goals. If they disagree with something important, couples in healthy relationships talk it out, either privately or with a therapist, until they reach an understanding.
Give them your phone passcode
Privacy is important in any relationship. “Asking for your phone or social media passwords is a major boundary violation,” says Michele Kerulis, EdD, a counseling professor at Northwestern University. Constantly checking your phone shows a lack of trust, which is the real issue. “Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without it, you’re probably with the wrong partner,” she adds.
Make sure everything is exactly equal
“There are no perfect 50-50 splits in great relationships. Couples learn to give and serve each other without keeping score,” says Walfish. Counting who does more chores or emotional work can harm the relationship. During tough times, like illness or job loss, one partner may do more—but a healthy relationship balances out over time without complaints.
Keep a bad secret or lie for them
You should never feel forced to lie for your partner or cover up something illegal or wrong. Secrecy damages relationships, says executive coach Shirani M. Pathak. “If your partner has something to hide, let them face the consequences of their actions,” she explains.
Overlook cheating
Cheating, even once, can damage a relationship. Therapy may help if both partners are willing to heal, but if your partner expects you to just forgive and forget, that’s a major red flag, says Walfish. Repeated cheating is even more serious.
Give up your job
Some partners define themselves by being the main earner, but demanding that the other person give up their career is a warning sign. Walfish explains that happy relationships exist where the woman may earn more and the man contributes through housework, childcare, and cooking.
Pressure you in the bedroom
Sex should always be respectful. Your partner should never coerce or shame you into doing something you’re not comfortable with, says Pathak. Repeatedly pressuring you after you’ve said no shows a lack of respect. Forcing sexual activity is always unacceptable.
Forbid you from talking about something
Everyone has topics they’d rather avoid, but your partner should never stop you from expressing your feelings, says Kerulis. Talking through problems helps solve them, and being told not to cry or be angry is toxic. Open communication is essential for a healthy relationship.
Put up with abuse from their family
Respecting a partner’s family doesn’t mean you must tolerate insults or disrespect. Julienne B. Derichs, a licensed counselor, says your partner should defend you. Ignoring bad behavior from family or friends sets up ongoing problems.
Break up with your best friend
Your partner might not like your friends or family, but they shouldn’t demand you cut ties. Jennifer Williams, a licensed clinical counselor, says it’s okay for them to share their feelings, but who you keep in your life is your choice.
